


Logic and Beauty

by Madisuzy



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Rei thinks too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madisuzy/pseuds/Madisuzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rei hides in his logic, but he can never escape the pull of beauty, even when it is in his best interest to do so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Logic and Beauty

**Author's Note:**

> Rei and Haru’s responses in the conversation before the relay are taken directly from the english subs of the anime. I usually dislike using direct quotes, but found it was necessary in this case.
> 
> Timeline – Begins before the final relay, season one of the anime.

Rei knows he is different. Inside of him, emotions roll and twist too strongly, build too fast like a summer storm feeding off the heat of the day. It's always been so hard to hold it all back, but as he grew, he figured out that it was easier to try to prevent the build up in the first place, rather then to hold back the emotional overflow. 

That's when he started to compartmentalize things around him, classifying everything into sections and sub sections to be studied and examined, instead of felt and reacted to. That led to him keeping his own journals so he could read over his thoughts and try to adjust more efficiently, understand with more clarity and observe with less emotion.

It was all working so well too, until he joined the swim team. His new teammates at first seemed easy to sort, and he quickly studied and wrote his own conclusions on each, careful to disguise his own unusual habits from their notice. He is, after all, aware that this is not how most other people function, and if they knew the truth they wouldn't be so accepting... and in his more disconnected, logical moments, that is okay.

This is not one of those moments though. His emotions are running too high, choking him with urges and compulsions that make him uncomfortable... no, uncomfortable is not the right word. Insufficient is a better to describe this sensation of his skin no longer fitting his form as he fails dismally with any of his usual coping methods.

These people are tearing him apart and Rei realizes this is one war he can never win with logic or cold reasoning. The heart wants what the heart wants and he has to try and come to terms with the fact that when one tries to ignore his heart, he always fails in the end.

Rei's own is beating so hard and fast right now that he can hear it in his ears and he is sure Rin's is mirroring his own, wherever he has run off to in his frustrated anger. The redhead is always all fire... spirit and compulsion, but Rei knows deep down that none of that is where his beauty lies. It's Rin's heart, burning like a supernova behind that wall of defensive flame, that is the epitome of beauty... and Rei glimpsed it last night, in the darkness of the night, amongst a confession that he had no right to be hearing.

And yet... he still wrote out every word he was told into his journal, filling more pages with his thoughts of Rin than he ever has of anyone else. It ended up a mess, a horrible mix of facts and emotions as Rei had struggled with his conflicting feelings towards the one who haunts his teammates and continues to prevent him from ever truly belonging in the first place he's really wanted to.

Rei feels both hot and cold, innocent and guilty as he recalls it all, because he is still struggling to hold on to what he believes he has no right to. Too much is floating around inside his mind, refusing to fit into place, denying him the peace of order that he usually clings to for comfort. His life before the swim team had all flowed evenly and peacefully in whatever he channeled it into, sensible and orderly, obedient and calm... but now he has experienced the alternative to that stillness, and he realizes that he was just fooling himself before. All that stillness was just stagnation and now he's had a taste of the alternative flow, he doesn't want to go back.

There is not a single one of his three teammates that are more important to him then the next. They are all parts of a whole, sections of a symbiosis that ceases to be if one part is absent... and he is only a substitute for one missing section of the four needed for the perfect picture, no matter how much he yearns to belong with all of his heart.

Breathing in deeply as he stands silent in the hallway with his teammates, he remembers his notes on each as he tries to deal with the situation at hand.

Makoto is the base on which it all stands strong, the foundation of earth and stone, strength in purpose and surety of trustful dependence.

Nagisa is the atmosphere, airily light and carefree, blowing away any clouds that threaten to darken their horizons with hope, and always, always daring you to breathe in deeper.

Haru, of course, is the water. Fluid and impossible to pin down, but nurturing in his cool acceptance. He has an amazing ability to flow with the push and pull, to take anything thrown at him just as water does. He bends but does not break, curves and accepts it all into his being where everything becomes part of his quiet contemplation.

Recalling his journal notes only upsets Rei more in the end, because everything he wrote about Haru is suddenly wrong. Rei is having to watch as Haru's flow evaporates before his eyes, solidifying into a wall of ice that is cracking and about to shatter as the other slowly folds onto the floor.

And it is all because of the missing element. 

At first Rei had thought Rin's fire was nothing but disruptive, but he now has to come to terms with the realization that it is an essential part of what keeps them in all balance. Rin is passion, heat and heart, change and rebirth. His effect on the other three when they are aligned is beautiful, and the photos of their past together only proves that point.

As Makoto and Nagisa stand between him and Haru, Rei doesn't hear their words, too intent on his sudden epiphany. Everything slips into place like a puzzle, and he can only stare at Haru as his mind catalogues it all amongst the roar of his emotional overflow.

Makoto's earthy sameness is charred by Rin's fire, but the flames only skim the surface, clearing away the emotional dead wood that has been weighing Makoto down. It allows new shoots of hope to bloom, transforming the foundation into a place of new ideas and inspirations, beautiful and free from all the emotional clutter of the past.

Nagisa's breezy lightness may darken from the initial smoke... but then he connects with the flame and the two twist and harmonize, become one in a firestorm of purpose and passion that no doubt stands a chance against. Anything becomes a possibility in the face of such an intense and unstoppable force.

Finally there is Haru, and at first glance one would assume that the mix of water and fire could never work, opposing and extinguishing each other with their very natures. One has to look closer though, past the basic polarities to see that in the right measure, balanced perfectly in harmony, these two make steam. Harnessed correctly it becomes a source of power, able to both burn or quench with only a slight variation... and perfectly resplendent in the air or covering the earth.

Rei knows he can never be their fire. He is not an element in this formula. While he can stand in for Rin and give a passable performance for the team, he can't have the same effect on them personally, no matter how much he studies, no matter how much he tries, no matter how much he wants with all his being to finally be a part of something that is so extraordinarily beautiful. 

And Rin? As much as Rei's envy makes him want to hate the redhead, he can't... and watching Rin's fire turn inwards, with no other place to go, and burn all that passionate beauty into black ashes of despair, is excruciatingly painful to witness.

Rei is not the missing piece. He is not even really part of the problem... but maybe, maybe if he can steal his heart enough and gather his courage, he can be part of the solution.

"I have something to tell everyone," Rei finally admits as Nagisa and Makoto turn away from Haru's slumped figure to look at him. "Last night, Rin-san called me outside to talk. He told me that when he said he wanted to quit swimming in middle school, it wasn't because he lost to Haruka-senpai."

"He hit a wall while training overseas and his confidence was shaken. That's why he wanted to quit swimming. But after returning to Japan, running into Haruka-senpai, and racing him again, he could put it behind him. After watching us swim at prefecturals, he remembered what it was like and wanted to swim in a relay again. That's why he said he'd swim with Samezuka to give us the best relay ever."

"But that's not what he really wants. He didn't care about the race. He just wanted to swim with all of you again. To swim with the best teammates he could have...." Rei's voice finally fails, and he swallows down the lump trying to lodge in his throat as his hands curl into fists at his sides.

"How do you know that?" Haru suddenly asks, unwinding from his slump on the floor and standing to face Rei. 

"Because...," Rei begins, closing his eyes for a moment as relief at Haru's recovery sweeps through him. It is enough to bolster his strength, and he even manages a smile as he admits, "I feel the same way he does. I want to swim in a relay with all of you. With the best teammates I could ask for... I'm sure you feel the same way, Haruka-senpai! The race isn't important! There's someone you want to swim with, right?!"

Haru's eyes close as he earnestly admits, "I want to swim with Rin."

It is both a victory and a crushing blow to Rei, and for a moment his facade almost slips... but he has not come this far to back down now and the rejection he personally feels at those words he knows isn't intended, so he forces himself to continue.

"If you don't do something, Rin-san will stop swimming. You're the only ones who can help him!"

"But what are we supposed to do?" Makoto insists, his eyes flicking to Nagisa.

"You still don't understand?!" Rei snaps, almost at the limit of what he can take. Even now, he can't just say it, the words too painful to speak. "Logically speaking there's only one possible solution!"

Rei can see the moment when Haru understands.

"Rei, are you really okay with that?" Haru asks, eyes focused and insistent.

With a casual smile and adjustment of his glasses, Rei manages a confident, "Of course!" 

Thankfully, they believe him and then they are in movement once more, searching for their long absent teammate as Rei ignores the ache in his chest and follows behind. They find Rin just in time and then Rei leaves them in the dressing room and heads for the bleachers without another word.

The race itself is extraordinary, and Rei even gets swept away in the excitement, cheering the team on earnestly, his own concerns momentarily forgotten. But then it is over and his heart beats a bittersweet accompaniment to the cheers all around. He will survive though, and he has done the right thing, this much he is certain. His teammates and Rin are all luminous as they embrace far down below, their happiness almost tangible in the air around them, so Rei pushes down the familiar pain of exclusion and enjoys the beauty that he helped recreate, as he pastes on a smile.

***.***

Months later in the midst of a sleepover at Haru's home, Rei is taking a moment outside by himself when he finally concludes that some of his earlier assumptions may be flawed. 

Rin is still with Samezuka, and Rei is still with his team, although the five meet up often as friends. As he ponders the new social arrangements, Rei is surprised to find that he truly likes Rin, and not just for all the burning beauty he first noticed from afar. It is impossible not to get sucked into the simple joy that is created when the four are together, and nobody ever makes him feel excluded, not even Rin. It is only Rei's own heart that holds itself a little to the side, as he continues searching his mind for a logical place for him to fit into his own hypothesis of what makes these people flow in harmony.

"You really do think too much, Rei," a deep voice inserts over the chirping cicadas of the night, and Rei jumps a little, startled by the sudden sound.

Rin's chuckle at his reaction reminds him of the crackling of a fire burning low, and he is glad for the darkness as he turns away to hide his blush. Rin always takes too much enjoyment in tipping him off balance, but Rei is always quick to forgive these days because the teasing somehow makes him feel like one of them.

"Maybe you just think too little, Rin-san," Rei manages to snap back, adjusting his glasses as he glances back to watch the redhead approach.

"I think more than you know," Rin replies softly, stopping beside him and looking up at the night sky. "For example, there's something I've been wanting to ask you."

Rei's curiosity is immediately captured and as his mind races to try and guess what the question could possibly be, his eyes rising to see if Rin's expression holds any clues... only to find himself caught in Rin's intense gaze which has turned towards him.

"Then ask," Rei challenges, refusing to waver under that gaze, as Rin smiles again. There is a pause, and then Rin suddenly exhales, breaking eye contact to sit down beside him on the step. There's not much room and for a moment Rei tenses at the too close quarters, until the familiar scent of chlorine calms him enough to control the urge. He is contemplating how strange it is that he now enjoys such a chemical fragrance when Rin finally speaks again.

"That day, when you let me take your place... I want you to tell me why you did it."

Rei stares in surprise, unprepared for the serious question. He can't stop the heat that rises in his cheeks at being so taken off guard, but consoles himself with the fact that at least his teammates aren't here to witness him flounder.

"The others already told you what happened. I don't understand what...."

"You understand perfectly well what I'm asking, Rei," Rin suddenly demands, turning to face him and leaning in too close, teeth bared. "I don't want the reasons you told _them_. I want the _real_ reasons. From. Up. Here." His last three words are punctuated by light pokes to Rei's forehead with one finger, as if to emphasize each one.

Rei can't help but lean backwards to try and gain some space, but he doesn't have much room to work with and his discomfort skyrockets as his emotions churn in confusion. At first he only blinks up wide eyed at Rin, but then annoyance sweeps away the shock in a wave of indignation at being treated like he's done something wrong, when he went through so much pain just to try and help.

"I just wanted to fix things! Y-you are diminished when apart...," Rei begins, voice rising with his emotions as he stumbles with the truth.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Rin cuts in too sharply, a frown blossoming on his face. Rei mirrors the expression because he knows he is already failing and Rin is too close and he hates the way he can't align his thoughts when the other is so near.

"You're all like pieces of a whole, elements that fit together," Rei blurts out suddenly. "What happened in your solo event was the same as what happened to you in Australia. Both were caused by your head and your heart fighting each other, what you wanted to do and what you needed to do, not correlating." 

Rei knows he is rambling now, but the words won't stop. Rin is still slowly advancing, almost hovering over him now as Rei's back hits the outside wall and he squeaks at the sudden contact with the house. 

"To watch all that passion extinguished, your fire turning into dead ashes just because you wouldn't listen to your heart was... it was so painful to watch you like that and I... and I just wanted to...."

"Wanted to what, Rei?" Rin demands, and he's so close now that Rei feels like he can't breathe, as if Rin's very presence has sucked the oxygen out of the air around him. He knows his face is burning red and Rin is smiling like he's about to bite him and suddenly, it all makes him so very angry.

"I just wanted to see your beauty!" Rei hisses, his fists curling into the front of Rin's shirt as he pushes forward with all his might.

The world spins as Rin falls back and Rei ends up following, too caught up in the moment to just let go. He end up straddling Rin who is now laying flat out on his back on the grass, staring up at him and looking satisfactorily startled.

"Is this how you always react when somebody tries to help, you... you... stupid arrogant shark toothed moron?!" Rei spits out lowly, leaning in too close himself now. "Maybe if you stopped threatening people and made some effort to be civil, situations like what happened between you and Haruka-taicho wouldn't happen in the first place!"

A sudden gentle touch to his chest stalls Rei's racing anger, and he glances down at the palm pressing flat over his heart before looking back to Rin's face in annoyed confusion.

"There's the fire I was looking for," Rin says softly, back to that crackling fire voice again as his earnest smile appears. "I knew it was hiding in there somewhere. Just had to find a way to make it spark."

"What?!" Rei asks, voice bewildered and lost as his anger dissipates.

"You've been wondering how you fit with Haru, Makoto and Nagisa. You're fire too, just a different, more controlled kind... it's definitely there though, so you can stop with the 'I don't belong' bullshit now, okay?" Rin explains, smile widening as Rei backs away enough to sit up in place and stare down at him with his mouth agape.

"I never told anyone... how did you...," Rei stumbles, the revelation that Rin knows all his deepest thoughts blocking out the other things Rin has said.

"Two weeks ago when we camped out in your back yard, Nagisa stole your diary when you went to the store with Haru. Makoto took it off him before he read any of it and I volunteered to put it back while they distracted your parents, but then curiosity got the better of me," Rin replies, and Rei can already feel his face burning again.

"Y-you... you read my private... how could you?" Rei breathes out in disbelief, his hands raising to cover his face as mortification takes hold. It's like his worst nightmare come true because now Rin knows how much he thinks about them all and how abnormal he really is and how his brain doesn't work like a normal person's does... and he'll probably tell the others.

"Hey, hey," Rin's voice is suddenly soft, but Rei keeps his face hidden and his eyes closed tightly. "I'm sorry, alright? I didn't do it to upset you, and I didn't tell anyone else anything and I only read what you wrote the night before the competition. I just... well, I wanted to understand why you'd make such a sacrifice, giving up the relay, when you felt so strongly about being a part of it and you hated me so much."

"I never hated you," Rei mumbles from under his hands, and he hears Rin chuckle and feels the body beneath him sit up, hands gently taking a hold of his own that still cover his eyes.

"Well then stop hiding and talk to me. Didn't you hear what else I said? You wanted to know how you fit and now, you know you're fire too. Just a restrained kind of fire... hidden... like a volcano. Lava maybe," Rin explains, and Rei doesn't fight it when the redhead pulls his hands away from his face, too busy processing the words.

For a moment, Rei considers this might be more teasing, so he opens his eyes to see what expression the redhead is wearing, only to find Rin seems earnest and serious. It makes Rei's heart stutter a little in his chest but he tries to ignore the unfamiliar emotion and clarify Rin's meaning.

"So you're saying... that I'm lava?" Rei mutters disbelievingly, one eyebrow rising.

"Yes, and don't say it's not beautiful, because I'm looking straight at it... definitely hot too," Rin teases, grin twisting in to a smirk as the hands Rei failed to notice where resting on his thighs give a squeeze that has him jumping off Rin as if he'd been burned.

The redhead falls back flat, laughing so hard and loudly that Rei is sure the whole neighborhood is being disturbed, which of course leads to the others finally hearing and coming to see what all the fuss is about. For a moment, Rei feels sick to his stomach as they join them outside, because he really doesn't want the others to know what they were talking about and he can't think up an excuse off the top of his head.

Then Rin actually lies for him. The lie is still embarrassing, as Rin makes up a ridiculous story about him tricking Rei into believing they were all going to dress up for Halloween as their signature animals, and finishing the tall tale off by saying Rei blushed when he told him they had a butterfly costume all ready for him... but Rei's diary secrets are safe, and he takes the other's laughs easily as relief washes over him. 

Eventually, they all head back inside again and Rei is the last to enter, as he takes a quick moment to breath in deep and try to stop thinking about Rin's tease that he is hot. He is confused by the fact he isn't really offended at all, and although it was only intended as a joke by Rin, it still creates a wisp of possibility that he'd never considered before... and he can't honestly say that he doesn't feel a spark of arousal at the thought.

With a grin at his own foolishness, Rei walks up the steps and inside, and as he closes the door and turns around, he is surprised to find Rin in the hall waiting for him. His heart reacts instantly, but he squashes down the wave of happiness at the attention, cursing his minds insistence on clinging to the teasing compliment that his more logical thoughts insist meant nothing to Rin.

"You okay?" Rin asks, eyes insistent.

"Yes," Rei replies, pushing his glasses up nervously. "And thank you... for not telling them." Rin nods and Rei feels his embarrassment growing so he moves to walk past the redhead, figuring staying will only give him opportunity to embarrass himself further. As he moves past, there is a sudden hand on his arm though, and he has to pause right next to the source of his new discomfort.

"You know... as fire and lava, we need to hang out more," Rin casually states, eyes still on the door they came inside through, as Rei turns to look at him. "Are you doing anything next Friday night?"

Rei would be blushing right now, but he's too shocked by the pink on Rin's cheeks to be embarrassed himself.

"I-I'm not doing anything. What do you... want to do?" he manages to reply.

"It's a surprise," Rin murmurs, frowning a little as if he hadn't thought that far ahead before stopping Rei in the hall. "Pick you up around 7pm?"

"Sure," Rei replies and the words are barely out of his mouth when the grip on his arm releases as Rin turns quickly and disappears in the direction of the bathroom. Rei stares after him unable to stop the stupid grin on his own face at the possibility that maybe he isn't the only one that feels a spark.

***.***


End file.
